All That Glitters Does Not Have A High Refractory Index
Or: How to fracture a fairy tale
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
"You are, my queen," the mirror replied.
"Damn straight!" The queen said as she gathered up her skirts and left the room.
The mirror sighed to itself, life simply wasn't fair. The mirror was capable of seeing into the distant past and into the far flung future, or knowing anything on any subject upon which it was asked, and here it was stuck answering the same inane questions every bloody morning. Cursed with the limitation that only royalty to could operate it, the mirror hung on the wall, owned by a woman who thought that being tough was the epitome of rulership.
Yeah, right, and the mirror could make a fat lady into a size four.
NOT.
"Get off your arses, dwarfs!" Snow screamed.
"We prefer to be referred to as vertically challenged," Bold responded in a quiet voice.
"I don't give a damn what you prefer to be called! I'm sick of you seven sitting around all Sunday watching the damn boob tube and drinking that stupid weak-assed mead. Now get up and clean this place up, it's a damn pigsty!"
"No," Grouchy replied, breaking the momentary silence.
"No?" Snow said in shock, going over to Grouchy and bending down so that she was right in his face. "Did I hear you say no?"
"You're damn right, toots. I've had it with you waltzing around this place and bossing us around like you own us. I work all week, slaving in a mine to bring home the bacon, and all I ask for is one day where I can sit down, watch the Three Stooges, and drink some mead. I don't think that's too much to ask and I don't appreciate you giving me all this attitude. You, what do you do? Not a damn thing. You've let your body go to hell, you've been wearing that same butt-ugly dress since the day we found you, and your hair looks like a rat's nest. All you do is sit around all day and sleep a lot. So get.. off... my... case...!"
"Is that how the rest of you feel?" Snow asked, rising and looking around the living room.
There were nods from all but Druggy, who was too busy snorting a line to care, and Pervy, who just shrugged.
"Fine," Snow said, "we'll just see who has the last laugh." She spun on one foot and marched back to her bedroom, slamming the door so hard it sounded like it was going to come off of its hinges.
There was no singing that Monday morning as the seven vertically challenged persons marched off to their mine. Snow had spent the remainder of the weekend in her room and there had been a distinct chill emanating from that direction.
"That bitch is really starting to get on my nerves," Grouchy said to no one in particular.
"She could certainly use some attitude adjustment," Shrink replied. "I really think I could help her if she'd let me."
"Oh, fer chrissakes, she don't need any of your psychobabble bullshit. Electro-shock therapy, maybe..."
"Or some serious drugs," Druggy finished. "Hehehehe."
"Yeah, right," Grouchy said, whacking Druggy upside the head, "they haven't seemed to do you much good. Come on, ya' bums, we got work to do."
The day progressed like any other. By the end of it they had found two diamonds and an emerald that would fetch a fair price, along with five troy pounds of virtually worthless gold. The real prize, valuable fool's gold, eluded them.
The trip home was uneventful, but as they approached their cabin they all noticed a sheaf of papers nailed to the door.
"I don't believe this!" Bold said, after he'd taken the pages off of the door and flipped through them.
"What is it?" Shrink asked.
"An emergency restraining order! The bitch has had us kicked out of our own house!"
"Bullshit!" Grouchy replied, banging vigorously on the door. "Let us in, dammit!"
"Go away," Snow said from the other side of the door, "or I'll call the cops."
"I think she means it," Shrink sighed.
"Bitch!" Grouchy screamed and then turned and walked away.
"What do we do now?" Caffeiney asked.
"Go back to the mine, I guess." Shrink replied. "We'll have to figure out our next move from there."
"We need to get a lawyer," Druggy stated, flipping through the restraining order, "there's a hearing in the morning."
"How can you tell? It all looks like a bunch of gibberish to me, I can barely get through the first couple of sentences."
"Trust me, I've seen more than a few legal documents in my time," Druggy replied as he lit up a joint.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
The queen watched, surprised, as the surface of the mirror started to shimmer and change until it held the image of a young woman sitting on a couch, apparently watching TV, a lit cigarette dangling from her mouth.
"What the hell?" The queen asked.
"'Tis your daughter, your majesty."
"I know who it is, you twit! How did she get to be the toughest bitch of all?"
"Apparently the apple did not fall far from the tree."
"Smart ass! I thought you said that sending her away would make her tractable and not a threat to myself or my rule over this kingdom?"
"I did, and it shall." the mirror replied, a hint of superiority in its magically generated voice.
"Insolent contradictory cur! If she's so damn tractable how come she's now the toughest bitch of all? I ought to rip you off the wall and break you into a thousand pieces!"
The mirror shrugged mentally. Insolent it might be, but far more valuable it was. The queen would no more break it than she would rip off her own good right arm.
A loud knock on the wooden door interrupted the queen's icy glare. "What is it?" She demanded in a tone that made it abundantly clear that it had better be important.
"Your majesty," a page said, bowing low, "a prince has been sighted near the eastern boarder of the kingdom."
"Great, just great. Do we know who it is?"
"No, your majesty, only that he is apparently quite charming. He has sown his wild oats with at least three farmer's daughters that we know of."
"Oh, fantastic. What is this, the third time this month? Will they never learn? Call out the Femme Force, we have a princeling to castrate."
"Yes, your majesty," the page said with a shiver and a bow.
"And you," the queen said, turning back to the mirror as she started to leave, "I'll be back when I'm done to speak to you."
"Oh joy," the mirror said after the door had closed.
"All rise," the bailiff intoned, "this court is now in session, the honorable Red "hang 'em high!" Ridinghood presiding. God save the queen, and your miserable souls."
The judge walked in, glared at the bailiff, and sat down. Picking up her gavel she brought it down in a thundering clap. "Guilty!" She proclaimed.
"Ummm, your honor? If I may, this is a civil preceding."
"Oh. And you would be?"
"Hansel, your honor, of Hansel Und Gretel Attorneys at Law. I have been retained to represent the interests of Seven Vertically Challenged Men, Inc. in this matter."
"So noted," the judge said, throwing back her hood and putting on her reading glasses. "Proceed."
"Thank you, your honor. My clients fully and vigorously deny that there has been any abuse, physical, emotional, or psychological, by them towards Ms. White. In fact they further assert that there has been some verbal abuse but that it was aimed at them from Ms. White. Further, the property in question is wholly owned by my clients and Ms. White contributes nothing to it, its upkeep, and has no claim upon it. Ms. White exists at that address at my client's sufferance and they simply request to be allowed to return to their property."
"Do your clients deny that Ms. White is a resident of their property and has been for," the judge glanced down at a piece of paper, "three years?"
"No, your honor, they do not."
"Then the point is moot. Ms. White," the judge said, turning to the plaintiff's table, "I see that you have not brought counsel?"
"No, your honor. Seeing as the dwarfs... The vertically challenged people, do not pay me for my services, I did not have the resources to hire an attorney."
"I see. What do you have to say on this manner?"
"Well, your honor, I have no desire to deny my friends the warmth and comfort of their home, but I also cannot abide their continued abuse," Snow said sweetly.
"I can certainly understand that, Ms. White."
"In the spirit of friendship and with the hope that they have learned their lesson, I would like to retract my request for a permanent restraining order and allow my friends to move back with the caveat that there be no further abuse."
"Why that's very forgiving of you, Ms. White." The judge brought her gavel down. "So ordered!"
"But your honor!" Grouchy cried out.
Hansel kicked Grouchy under the table.
"She's getting away with murder," Grouchy said in a quieter tone.
"If you want to get out of here," Hansel said between his teeth, "you'll shut up and be thankful."
"Are you two finished?" The judge asked in a threatening tone.
"Yes, your honor." Hansel replied meekly.
"Fine. I hope you bozos appreciate how considerate your friend is being here. If I see you seven clowns in my courtroom again you'll forfeit ownership of your domicile and you'll be lucky if I don't throw you in the klink. Understood?"
There was silence.
"Understood?!?" The judge thundered.
"Yes, your honor," came seven chastised replies.
"Well, boys," Snow said after they'd gotten back to the cabin, "I hope that made it perfectly clear how things are going to go around here. Either you tow the line or I'll have your plump little asses thrown out of here so fast it'll make your beards spin. You can stay here and do what I tell you or you can go back to that dank drippy mine of yours and I'll own this place. Got it?"
"Yeah, we got it," Bold replied.
"Fine. Now all y'all, get this place cleaned up!" Snow said, then plopped herself down in front of the TV to watch Oprah.
"I think we should just kill her," Grouchy said, turning to his dish washing partner.
"Yeah, sure, right," Sneaky replied. "Not unless you can afford an OJ defense, bud. I've got a better idea."
"Like what?"
"An apple."
"An apple? What the hell is an apple going to do?"
"This is a special apple, very special. I'm going to give it to her tonight, you just back whatever I say and be ready to do whatever I say."
Grouchy shrugged. "At this point I'll try anything."
It was well into the evening before the dwarfs... the seven vertically challenged persons, had gotten the cabin clean enough for Snow's tastes. Even then she refused to relinquish the clicker and they were all having to sit through an old Dallas re-run.
It was during a commercial for some product that supposedly cured canine jock itch that Sneaky got up for a bathroom break. When he returned he was holding something behind his back. "Snow?" He said. "I just wanted to say how sorry I am, how sorry we all are, about the recent problems. Aren't we, Grouchy?"
Grouchy mumbled something under his breath. "Yeah, yeah sure, sorry and all that," he finished.
"Anyway, as a token of my, of our, appreciation I wanted to give you this." Sneaky brought a bright red apple out from behind him and handed it to Snow.
"An apple?" She asked.
"Yes, Ma'am. It's special, it's a Macintosh."
"Hmmm, well I would have rather had some popcorn, but thanks." Snow took a bite out of the apple. "Mmmmm! This is delicious," She said, right before passing out.
"You the man!" Grouchy said, giving Sneaky a high five.
"Did you kill her?" Shrink asked.
Bold grabbed the remote and changed the channel to "Die Hard XXII".
"Hell no," Sneaky replied. "Quickly now, we have to get her to her bed and get her clothes off."
"Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" Pervy said with a leer.
"Not for that, you moron," Sneaky said as he slapped the leer off of Pervy's face. "Come on you guys, help me."
It took them several minutes to get her into her bedroom and onto her bed. Longer still to get the crusty dress off of her. They only barely managed in time as it was already becoming evident that something was happening.
Seven pairs of eyes watched in horrified fascination as Snow's belly deflated, becoming lean and flat. Her waist shrunk, as if being pressed by an invisible corset, becoming incredibly small. Her legs seemingly became longer and melted into coltish limbs. Her face went from pretty but aristocratic and almost cruel to gorgeous, angelic, almost child-like. Her rat's nest of dark hair fell out, only to be replaced mere seconds later with long curly golden tresses. Finally seven eyes watched in stunned amazement as her somewhat smallish and droopy breasts swelled and became two huge globes of flesh with areola the size of dinner plates.
The changes slowed and stopped, leaving an incredible beauty where before had been a woman who would have been pretty if not for her spiteful nature. Her eyes flickered open, revealing heavenly turquoise pools, and she smiled at the seven arrayed around her bed. "Hello, boys," she said in a throaty whisper.
"I've died and gone to heaven," Pervy said in a reverent voice.
"Snow?" Shrink asked.
"Snow?" She replied, sitting up, seemingly not shy about her nude state. "Who's Snow? I'm Kandi."
"You certainly are," Bold said.
"We'll have to get some new clothes for her," Grouchy said, businesslike. "I can see why you wanted to get her out of that old rag. If she'd changed in it she might have hurt herself."
"I don't mind being nude," Kandi interjected.
Pervy had a spontaneous orgasm.
"That wouldn't be a good idea, Snow... er, Kandi. Guys? Everybody out, we need to have a little chat. Kandi, you wait here, okay?"
"Okay, I'll just do some aerobics."
"Sure, you do that." Grouchy said as he grabbed the drooling Pervy and dragged him out.
"Okay, guys, here's the deal. That apple I gave Snow was enchanted, a little something I picked up a while back. You'll find that Kandi is very easy to get along with, but there's one big catch. If she has sex with anyone she will revert back to being Snow and she'll remember everything."
"You're kidding," Pervy said with a pout.
"No, I'm dead serious. If she does the nasty then we're all screwed. I don't have to tell you how Snow would likely react to finding out that we'd put an enchantment on her."
"And how are we supposed to keep a total babe like that from getting a boyfriend?" Grouchy asked grouchily. "Half the guys in town will be chasing her in a second!"
"We keep her here," Shrink replied. "No going to town, no visitors, nada."
"And we start putting saltpeter in Pervy's food," Grouchy grumbled.
"Lay off, Grouchy," Shrink said, "you can't tell me you didn't think about getting into her skirt."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
"Come on, guys," Caffeiney said, "we can do this."
"We have to do this," Sneaky said, "or we're going to be living out the rest of our days in that cold-assed mine."
It was three days before the queen and her warrior troupe returned, empty handed, from chasing after the errant prince. Whoever he was, he had eluded them, there was no prize for the queen to add to her collection.
Needless to say, she was not a happy camper as she went to the mirror room.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
"You are, my queen," the mirror replied.
"Say what?" The queen replied in surprise. "What happened to my daughter?"
"What I foretold has come to pass. Your daughter has gone from tough to soft and is no longer a threat to you or your rule of this kingdom."
"What the hell happened?"
"She was bimboized, your majesty."
"Huh? Mirror, show me my daughter."
The mirror's surface rippled and shifted until it showed the inside of a cabin somewhere. A young buxom blonde was sitting at a table darning socks and whistling as she worked.
"That's my daughter?"
"Yes, your majesty. Her visage has changed, but that is she."
"I don't know whether to be jealous of her body or happy that she's no longer a threat," the queen mused.
The mirror, wisely, kept its own counsel.
Six months had passed since Kandi had come into the world. Six happy months for Kandi, but then she was always happy and always smiling. Six happier months for the seven vertically challenged persons who were no longer saddled with a threatening harpy but instead had a new roommate who was not only extremely easy on the eyes, dangerously so under the circumstances, but also quite willing to help in every way that she could. The vertically challenged persons had never eaten so well, had such a clean place to live, or had their clothes so well kept.
All was not bliss, however. Kandi's situation had necessitated some changes in their lifestyle. They could no longer have visitors over and the Wednesday night poker game had to be canceled entirely. Except for when at work, they were all needed at the mine, one or more of them always stayed with Kandi. At first not at all a burden, but her conversational skills leaned heavily to the repetitive and inane. Pervy had quickly had to be taken off of Kandi watching duty as his brain, such as it was, proved to be no match to his natural inclinations. He had taken to spending more and more time down at Moe's Tavern and Strip Show of late, even spending nights with some of the girls who worked there. The truth was that they all had been forced to find outlets for the urgings the presence of a woman like Kandi was apt to bring out in any red blooded male, regardless of height. All except for Druggy, that is, the speed tended to leave him impotent anyway.
They all should have known that this bliss could not last, it is the nature of such things. But, like all people, vertically challenged or not, they went about their business blindly hoping for the best.
It was one early afternoon when the whole house of cards came falling down. The vertically challenged persons were at the mine, working, and Kandi was at home alone doing the laundry. A young man rode up, sitting proud in his saddle, and, not having seen Kandi standing behind the sheets hung on the line, dismounted and tied his horse to the post. He was brushing his horse and talking to it when Kandi approached him.
"Well hello there, tall, dark, and handsome," Kandi said in her sexy lilt, "and who might you be?"
The strange man turned around and his smile turned to a leer as his eyes focused on Kandi's ample and well displayed bosom. "I'm Charming," he said, taking his hat off and bowing in one fluid motion, "Prince Charming."
"You certainly are," Kandi said coyly.
"And you are, M'lady?"
"I'm Kandi," she replied.
"You certainly are!"
Kandi giggled.
"So, baby, how's about some nooky?"
"Nooky?" Kandi asked, confused.
"You know, nooky. You've never had it until you've been with a prince."
Kandi just stared at him, uncomprehending.
"Nooky, the mambo, the big nasty, the horizontal bop?"
Kandi clearly still didn't understand.
Prince Charming rolled his big blue eyes. "Sex! Don't you know what sex is?"
"Oh, that!" Kandi said. "I can't have sex."
"Why not?"
"If I do I'll turn into an old ugly hag and want to try and eat children."
"Who told you that?"
"My roommates."
"Roommates?"
"Yeah, the seven vertically challenged people."
"And when do these roommates of yours get home?"
"When it gets dark."
"Listen, Kandi," the prince said as he put his arms around her tiny waist and drew her close, "nothing bad can happen to you if you have sex with a prince."
"Really?" Kandi asked in wonder.
"Oh yes, really. It's in all the spells. Why don't you show me your bedroom and I'll teach you some new positions?"
Kandi giggled. "If you're sure... Okay."
The vertically challenged persons were a bit worried when they got home and there was no Kandi at the door to greet them. They were even more worried when Caffeiney noticed the horse tied up at the back of the house.
"Maybe she's sick," Shrink said as they all stood at her closed door.
"I'm sure it's nothin'," Druggy opined.
"I'll check on her," Pervy said.
"No," Grouchy replied, putting a hand on Pervy's shoulder, "we'll all check on her."
Seven pairs of eyes looked in as Grouchy opened the door a crack. Kandi was laying asleep in bed only it wasn't Kandi anymore, Snow was back. Laying next to her was some man none of them recognized. Grouchy slowly closed the door, his hands shaking more than Caffeiney's ever had in his worst moment.
"We're screwed," Sneaky said in a quiet and forlorn voice.
"What do we do?" Grouchy asked.
"We run," Bold replied.
"To where?" Shrink asked rhetorically. "We have no choice, we stay here and take our medicine like men."
There was a woman's scream and a loud thump, then a man's voice saying "What in the hell did you do that for?"
"Out," the woman's voice replied, "get out of my bedroom, you prick!"
"All right, all right already! Let me get my clothes. Geeze, I've heard of regrets the next morning, but this is ridiculous!"
The seven vertically challenged persons moved quickly away from the door as it opened and a man clothed only in his shorts and carrying his clothes stormed out. He was quickly followed by Snow, who gave them a glare that would have burned through a mountain.
"You..." She fumed. "I'll get you seven little dickheads. Just you wait until morning. You're all going to spend the rest of your miserable little lives in prison!" With that she slammed the door.
"Are y'all sure we shouldn't just run?" Bold asked.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
The queen watched, surprised, as the surface of the mirror started to shimmer and change until it held the image of a young woman laying in bed.
"What is this?" The queen demanded.
"'Tis your daughter, majesty."
"I know who it is, you twit! I thought she had been neutralized, bimboized, whatever?"
"The spell upon her has been broken, my queen, and her true self has returned even tougher and bitchier than before."
"Oh, great, that's just great! Spell, you say?"
"Yes, your majesty. An enchantment placed upon her by a vertically challenged person."
"A dwarf? Never send a dwarf to do a queen's job. Hmmm, a spell, eh? Perhaps the answer once and for all." The queen left the mirror wondering what that might mean and then returned a few minutes later holding a wand. She tapped it on a table and a short matronly looking woman with wings appeared. "You see that woman?" The queen asked, pointing at the image still in the mirror.
"Yes, your majesty," the matronly winged woman replied.
"She's a problem," the queen said, handing the woman the wand, "go and fix the problem."
"Majesty?"
"Are you deaf?" The queen thundered. "Go fix the problem!"
"Yes, your majesty," the woman said and then disappeared with an audible pop.
"Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything myself around here?" The queen fumed.
The seven vertically challenged persons had not had what you would call a good night. Knowing that morning would bring Snow's wrath, none of them could get a wink of sleep. The prince didn't fair much better. The seven vertically challenged persons didn't have a bed big enough for him so he had to sleep on the hard wood floor in their living room. Despite that, he did manage to sleep, this was hardly the first time he had been kicked out of a woman's bedroom.
Snow was up early, contemplating her revenge. The court didn't open until ten, but when it did all hell was going to break loose. First she would get title to the cabin and then, hell, she'd get title to their stupid mine too. Finally she'd make sure that each and every one of those little pricks went to jail for a very long time. She hoped Pervy would like having a boyfriend 'cause that was the only sex he was going to be seeing any time soon.
She went to her closet wondering what she had to wear to court. Not much. Her old dress was gone, having been replaced with a whole new wardrobe. A wardrobe designed for a body she no longer had or wanted to have. Even if she could have fit into most of what was in her closet, she wouldn't have worn it on a bet. It was all too sweet, too sexy, too girlish. Gads, how putrid!
Finally she settled on a dress that wouldn't be too bad if you took off all of the frills and lace and went to work as she mentally cataloged all of the charges she intended to bring to bare.
The matronly winged woman popped into the room but remained invisible for a moment in order to survey the situation. The queen's instructions had been less than clear and she had no desire to bring the queen's wrath down on her for misunderstanding things.
The room seemed fairly normal, the girl within it seemed anything but. To the winged woman's magical eyes two things were abundantly clear. The first was that the girl was a princess, obviously the queen's daughter. The second was that she had recently been under some kind of enchantment but it was now gone.
"Good morning, princess," the matronly winged woman said as she allowed herself to become visible.
The girl jumped and spun around. "Who the hell are you?" She demanded.
My, such language! "I'm Flora Fauna Merryweather, your fairy godmother. Your mother sent me to solve the problem, though I'm unclear on what exactly the problem is."
"Wait a second, fairy godmother? My mother sent you?"
"Yes, I am, and yes, she did."
"Who's my mother?"
"You don't know, child? Your mother is the queen, you are a princess."
"Princess? Yeah, right."
"No, it's true."
"And you're here to help me?"
"Yes, princess, within the limits of my abilities."
"I suppose you have some sort of magical powers?"
"Yes, princess."
"Okay then, prove it. There are seven little twerps and one big prick in this place, freeze them in place. Make it so they can't move."
Flora Fauna Merryweather frowned but did as she was told. "Done."
The fairy godmother followed Snow as she walked into the front room. Sure enough, all seven of the vertically challenged persons were seemingly frozen at whatever tasks they had been performing. The prince, however, was nowhere to be found. Probably off somewhere taking a leak, Snow thought to herself as she walked to the window and looked out.
No, the prince was with his horse. Brush in hand, he too was frozen in place. An evil grin spread across Snow's face as she turned to face her fairy godmother. "Okay, first the prince. He likes that stupid horse of his so much, why don't we make them a couple?"
"Princess?"
"You heard me, couple them!"
"Yes, princess," the fairy godmother said as she vanished with a pop.
"I think he'll make a fine mare," Snow said to herself, "we'll see how he likes getting fucked by his own horse." She walked to where Shrink was frozen, a glass of water halfway to his lips. "Now what should I do with you little dweebs?"
"It is done, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather said, reappearing in the living room.
Snow giggled like a schoolgirl and rubbed her hands together as she went to the window to look out. "A centaur? I didn't tell you to make him a centaur!" She yelled, turning back on the fairy godmother.
"You said to make them a couple, princess, so I coupled them. I put them together."
"No, dammit, I meant a couple! You know, boyfriend and girlfriend? Mare and stallion?"
"Which was supposed to be which, princess?" The fairy godmother asked, confused.
"Him! Make him a her."
"As you wish, princess," the fairy godmother said with a sigh. What in the world the queen had been thinking when she'd sent her to help this spoiled brat was quite beyond Flora Fauna Merryweather's comprehension.
Snow watched in shock as the human torso on the centaur quickly shifted and became beautifully female. From where she was Snow couldn't be sure, but it seemed a fair bet that the hindquarters had changed as well. "No, no, that's not what I meant! I meant for you to make him a mare and bring the other horse back."
"I'm afraid I cannot do that, princess. Once joined they cannot be unjoined. I could make her male again if you like?"
"No, this will have to do." Snow turned to the still frozen vertically challenged persons. "Now what to do with you seven?" She mused. "Oh, I know! I'll do to them what they did to me! Fairy godmother, I want you to turn these seven dweebs into seven bimbos. Be creative about it, I've got to do some thinking. Oh, and before you do that, could you do something about my wardrobe?"
"Yes, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather said from between clenched teeth. With a wave of her wand the princess' wardrobe was transformed into something more drab. "How fitting," the fairy godmother said to herself after Snow had gone to her room. She went to each of the seven vertically challenged men and tapped them on the head with her wand. "If I have to do this," she said, cursing the geas that caused her kind to have to obey members of the royal family, "at least I can make it so you'll enjoy yourselves." When she was done she waved her wand and the seven now no longer vertically challenged and now no longer men were transported to a new basement common bedroom. "It is done, princess," she said as she reappeared in the girl's bedroom.
Snow sat down on the edge of her bed, a new dress over her knee. "You say that I'm a princess?"
"Yes, princess."
"And my mother is the queen?"
"Of course, princess."
"So what am I doing living in this hell hole instead of a huge castle?"
"You're mother sent you away, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather said, "because she was told by a magic mirror that you would one day usurp her power before her time."
"That bitch! She sent her own daughter away because of a stupid mirror?"
"Yes, princess," the fairy godmother said, adding to herself that perhaps the queen should have done something more drastic.
"Well we'll just have to see about that! That centaur outside, can he... Can she be made to be tractable. I mean so that I could ride it? I have a castle to get to and a conversation to have with my mother."
"Yes, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather said, not bothering, as she normally would have, to inform the princess that she easily could have simply teleported them there.
"Fine, put a saddle on the beast then while I gather up a few things."
"It is not a beast, princess. It is a centaur. Part human and part horse, it has as human an intelligence as your own."
"Yes, yes, whatever," Snow said, waving her hand.
Flora Fauna Merryweather barely suppressed a growl as she teleported out to where the centaur stood.
Moments later the fairy godmother was joined by Snow and her bags. "I presume that with those wings you can fly?" Snow asked her.
"Yes, Princess."
"Fine, then we're off."
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
The queen watched, not particularly surprised, as the surface of the mirror started to shimmer and change until it held the image of a young woman laying on a blanket, a half horse and half woman creature standing in the background and Flora Fauna Merryweather floating above, going up and down as she snored.
"What the hell is this?" The queen demanded.
"'Tis your daughter, your majesty."
"I know that, you twit! Why is she sleeping in the woods? Where on god's green earth did she find a centaur? And what in the hell is that idiot Merryweather doing? She was supposed to solve my little problem!"
"She is sleeping in the woods because she is coming here, majesty. She didn't find a centaur, she made one. The fairy godmother is doing what you told her to."
"What kind of answers are those?" The queen thundered.
"The only ones I have to offer, majesty."
"Why you incompetent piece of shit! I ought to...!" The queen turned in a huff and opened the door. "Duncan! Double the guards and bring forth the knights!"
"And it's just over the rise?" Snow asked.
"Yes, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather replied, not bothering to hide her distaste anymore. She had to do what the princess ordered, that didn't mean she had to like it or the princess.
"And what about the guards?"
"I don't think they'll be thrilled to see you, princess."
"No, I shouldn't imagine so," Snow said, rubbing her gloved hands. "No problemo, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
"Halt! Who goes there?" The gate guard asked, his pike thrust out. His companion nervously imitating him.
"They look like rabbits to me," the princess gleefully said.
"Yes, princess," the fairy godmother responded. A wave of the wand and there were two rabbits where the guards had stood.
"Ah, hsssenpfeffer, ya' gotta' love it. Princess Charming, you'd best pick up one of those pikes, we may need it."
The centaur obediently picked up a pike as they passed through the portico. As they passed into the courtyard dozens of arrows rained down, but, thanks to the fairy godmother's magic, they passed through both princesses harmlessly.
"Nothing like a summer rain, is there?" Snow asked gleefully. "Freeze the guards, fairy godmother."
"Done, princess." Flora Fauna Merryweather responded.
"Good," Snow said. "Now one last thing, fairy godmother, and we'll get this show on the road."
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the toughest bitch of all?"
The queen watched, not particularly surprised, as the surface of the mirror started to shimmer and change until it held the image of this very room, a young woman standing in the doorway behind her.
"My god! She's here!"
"Yes, your majesty, she is."
"Yes, mother, I am. Who's the toughest bitch of all?" Snow asked, pointing a finger at her mother. "Why, you are!"
Her mother screamed as her body changed and shifted, a bark coming from beneath a pile of clothes.
"Well," Snow said, I'd imagined a Doberman, but I suppose a Rotweiller will do."
"Do I understand things," the centaur asked, "you are bound to obey those of royal blood for the greater good of the realm?"
"Yes, princess," Flora Fauna Merryweather said, smiling for the first time in days.
"And what if I told you not to listen to that other bitch?"
"Then her words would fall on deaf ears, princess. You are, after all, still of royal blood. Male or female, centaur or human, it matters not to me."
"Good," the beautiful centaur said, rubbing her hands together as her hind legs uncontrollably pawed the ground.
And for nearly a century, as they are long lived creatures, good queen Charming ruled the realm. After Duncan, her man at arms and, later, her lover, became a centaur and her consort there were many to fill her line. She was happy, the realm was happy, Flora Fauna Merryweather was sure that she'd made the right choice, the mirror was for once put to good use, and the realm's subjects prospered. All lived happily ever after, as it should be...
Epilogue:
Sexy awoke with a start, it was getting well into the evening and time to get ready. She woke her six sisters and then took a luxurious bath as the others wouldn't be up for a bit.
Life was good, she thought to herself as she dried and dressed. The patrons would be here soon, men who enjoyed her and her sister's show and maybe a little something more after. They were all so nice, and so generous, the girl's all had plenty to buy whatever they wanted. The addition of the small theater had been sheer genius on Slutty's part, they'd been doing well enough before but nothing like now. Yes, life was good.
There was a knock on the door as Sexy was finishing her make-up and her sisters were just starting to get themselves together. Who could that be, Sexy wondered to herself? It was way to early for any customers and the deliveries should have been made long ago. She grabbed a robe and opened the front door as she gathered it around herself. "Yes?" She asked.
"I'm sorry," a sexily feminine voice said, "but I seem to be rather confused. For some reason I seem to be compelled to come here but I couldn't tell you why."
"That's okay, dear," Sexy said as she opened the door wide. "I'm sure there must be a reason."
Sexy held out her hand and helped the poor girl inside. Whoever she was she was buxom and gorgeous but her eyes seemed lost and confused. Sexy noticed the poor girl's shivering and walked her over to the fire.
"It's okay, deary," Sexy said," I'm sure it'll be okay."
"It's just that..." The girl seemed even more agitated, her eyes darting this way and that. "It's just that I feel like I can almost remember something, like I should remember this place from somewhere and yet I don't know as I've ever been here before. It's on the tip of my tongue but my memory is so confused. Do you know what I mean?"
"Well, trust me, dear, if you'd have been here I would remember you. Do you remember your name?"
"Yes, yes I do. My name is Snow. Isn't that an odd name?"
"Odd? No, not at all! Snow is a lovely name, very lovely. And you're a very lovely girl. I'm sure you'll fit right in here."
"Really? Do you think so? It's been so long since I felt like I belonged somewhere."
"Oh, I"m quite sure you'll fit right in here perfectly."
"Oh," Snow said, "that would be grand!"
"Of course it would, dear," Sexy said as she lit the red candle in the window...
Fin