Hello

by Anonymous

Hello there, would you like to look prettier? Ha, ha! No, you wouldn't expect that to be a popular pick-up line would you? I have had considerable success with it in the past, however. Please, however, answer the question. Would you like to look prettier? No, I think you are a very attractive woman, much more attractive, in fact, than this dingy bar warrants. In fact, it is that quality that has drawn me to ask this question of you. I find many young women such as yourself want to be just a bit prettier than they are. Oh, come now. You say that with your lips, but you say otherwise with the rest of you. I can tell that hair color is not natural. I can see your roots. Your breasts aren't naturally that full either. I can tell. You can't hide that from me. What don't you like about yourself? Ha, ha! No, you won't discourage me so easily. I am willing to barter. How about this? I buy you a drink and tell you about what I don't like about myself and you tell me what you don't like about yourself. How about that? Nothing ventured nothing gained; I'll start first. All you lose is 5 minutes. What sort of drink would you like? My choice? How gallant. Bartender! Do you have plum wine? No? How tragic. Two vodka martinis, then. Stirred, not shaken. I like to be different. About myself, let's see... I wish to be about 2 inches taller. I wish my nose was a bit smaller and I wish I had a much stronger chin. That wasn't so hard now, was it? Now that I have held up my end of the bargain, how about you? Ha, ha. Oh, yes. I agree, it's embarrassing. Go on, I've told you mine. What would you like to change about yourself? If you say so, although personally I think that feature is quite pretty, I can see why you would want that. What if I told you that I could make it happen? No pain, instantaneous, exactly how you want to be. Ha, ha! No I'm not selling anything. Never have, never will! My services can and will never be sold. I told you before, I am willing to barter. This time however, it is you that shall perform two tasks in exchange for my one task. No, they are very simple tasks. And I don't wish you to sign anything. Ha, ha. Indeed. Me as the Devil. Of course not! I wish for us to mutually benefit. Simply, you should listen and not be afraid. For the first task, you must listen to me tell you a little about myself. Don't worry, it's just an introduction. Just for us to get to know each other, or at least for you to get to know me. Secondly, and this is the important part, I wish you to show you my vision of true beauty. And how will I make you prettier? Ha, ha. Don't worry you will understand completely after you have completed your end of our little bargain. It won't take but five minutes to explain. If you don't like it, you are free to go on your way. Agreed then. Let's go to a more comfortable spot. Bartender! Two more vodka martinis. It is truly a shame that you do not have plumb wine.

Let's see where to begin. Do you like faces? Oh, any kind of face. A human one. I do so love faces. They are so interesting. I have loved and drawn faces for as long as I remember. My mother, God rest her soul, thought I was to become the next Picasso because of the faces and forms I drew. It's true. The reason was that after a while, I began to see beauty in faces and forms that others could never see. I saw something that I thought was on another plane of beauty. Something altogether interesting and wonderful. My mother said they looked like Picasso. No, I don't like Picasso. He never was able to see the kind of beauty I saw. Besides, he was only a painter. That is not my medium. I gave it up as too crude and lifeless long ago. There are better things. Sculpture? You mean in stone? Ha, ha. No, that is also crude and lifeless. I have a respect for sculpture, as I am a sculptor of sorts, but no, stone is a lifeless substance, good only for making crude caricatures and robots. Very little beauty comes from sculpture. More so than comes from painting, however. Aha! You are indeed a good listener. Thank you. What do I sculpt? Well, my subject is beauty, as all good art should be, and as for my medium, I had better explain. This is the most difficult part of what I have to say. Well, yes. Difficult for you. It starts with a cat. A plain, boring, ordinary, housecat. I was fourteen at the time. I did something wonderful to that cat. Ha, ha, no! That is what many of my contemporaries would have done to that poor cat. Shows what crude little men they were, and still are, in my estimation. I did something wondrous to that cat! I gave that cat a face! Ha, ha! Patience. You will know what I mean soon enough, I promise. The point is that that cat now had a face, a beautiful face. A woman's face, of course. A woman's face can be beautiful. A man's face is merely functional, still not without some elegance, but not really worth the effort in my estimation. You do? Well then, I envy you. I can only see true beauty in the face of a woman. Not any woman, of course, but that sort of beauty is only found in women. I see some of that beauty in your face as well. Now, I will only ask this once: Would you like to see the true beauty in yourself? You would? Wonderful. Thank you. I will of course honor my bargain with you now. I do so hope you appreciate my work. Now, then. Let us proceed somewhere a little more private than this noisy bar where I can show you how beautiful you can be.

What? Oh, it's getting a little uncomfortable? I know, and I apologize. That seat was not meant for one such as yourself. I drive a lonely road and do not often expect to be seating a passenger. Oh, no. I enjoy it like that. I do expect to be getting a new car very soon, however, but I'm afraid it will probably be this same model. I have grown rather attached to it, you see.

Welcome to my humble abode. A bit messy, I know, but it suits me. You expected a little more art here for an artist? Ha, ha. I told you before, most art is crude and lifeless. I will not decorate my home with those crass imitations. Now, where is it? Ah, yes, right here. This is one of my magnum opi, or my 'great works'. What do you think? A mirror? What do you... Oh, no, no. My work is what you see in the mirror. Well, yes, in a manner of speaking, it is you. However, while you are rather pretty, I will have to show you your true beauty, something you have never seen and have probably never imagined for yourself. It's getting tight? Well, yes, I can imagine it is. You are well on your way to becoming more an image of true beauty. I would recommend you remove that before it rips. And quickly. It was not meant to hold what I am to show you. What's happening? Don't be alarmed. Please, I told you, I am an artist that works in the most wonderful of mediums. I am a fleshsculptor of sorts. Rather than cold, unemotional, motionless stone, my medium is life itself, and I search for the most beautiful forms for life. For you I have chosen this form. Do you like it? Please calm down. I can undo my art and make you plain, and simply "pretty", as you were before. Actually, I agreed to "prettier" didn't I? I honor all my agreements. Please, do you like your new form? No? I see. Pity. People often use the word "grotesque" as you just did. It is really a shame that they can not see the true beauty of the grotesque. It is so much more beautiful than their "pretty" caricatures. Look again at my work. Do you still not like it? I see. I was hoping you would be the one. I found you quite "sympathique", as the French would say. Of course, that is a word with really no more meaning than "pretty". Well, yes, I suppose I will now. I must. Being a man of some honor is not without its limitations. Pity to spoil all of this beauty. Please, close your eyes. Please, I promise, everything will be fine. You may open them now. What do you think? I do good work, do I not? You now have all of the features you wanted. Ha, ha, no. You are "prettier", not "more beautiful", just as I first promised. I have removed your beauty as you asked a few moments ago and replaced it with what you wanted. But I'm glad you like it. It is good to have one's work appreciated, at least to some degree. The least, I suppose, I can do is give you cab fare back to the bar. I doubt you will forget it, but I did enjoy tonight. I have one final request to make of you, however: do you think I should change my pick-up line?

Hello copyright 1998 by Anonymous.