Just some random quotes I found on the Internet and thought worth keeping. I've tried
to attribute them to source wherever possible, but some I just don't know about.
If you know, drop me a line.
Some of them are in German, you'll just have to bear it or get yourself a
english-german dictionary. Not all of them reflect my Views, after all, this
file is supposed to be interesting, not a manifesto.
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
- Microsoft Windows: Proof that P.T. Barnum was correct.
- -- from Denny Miller's .sig
- -rw-rw-rw- : the file permission of the beast
- In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at
their ownselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.
- -- Joe Bob Briggs
A man who was handsome, intelligent, and elegant, was
asked who he was. "I am the Devil", he replied. "But that cannot be,"
said the questioner, "for the Devil is evil and ugly!" "My friend," was
the reply, "you have been listening to my detractors." -- Idries Shah
- An open mind has but one disadvantage:
it collects dirt.
It's not the Information Superhighway, but the Information Sewer Sytem:
Every nitwit with a toilet flushing the most unimaginable garbage upon
- "Listen! a banshee's moan!"
"Oh, grow up! Banshees are mythical characters! they don't exist....
Besides that was the mating call of a unicorn"
- -- Hagar the Horrible
- Weiler's Law:
- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Apollo, the God of light, of reason, of proportion,
harmony, number -- Apollo blinds those who press too
close in worship. Don't look straight at the sun. Go
into a dark bar and have a beer with Dionysos, every
now and then. -- U.K. LeGuin
- "He wanted to do kinky sex, y'know, like that oral stuff with the
LIGHTS on and me on top even"
- "We aren't perverts! Well yeah, we tie each other up and play with
icecubes from time to time, but we _never_ do anything in the _least_
- Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- -- Knuth
- "But what would a cat do with pajamas?"
"Shred them usually."
- Cats make terrible footballs, but great ranged weapons...
- There are many intelligent species in the Universe.
They are all owned by cats.
- Suppose there were no hypothetical questions?
- "If men and women gave birth alternately, there would never be
more than three children in any family."
- --Vicki Robinson
- There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics.....Oops.
- Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great and mystical powers.
We know this because they are capable of being both invisible and pink at the same time...
The religion of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based on both faith and logic.
Faith tells us that they are pink; through logic, we know that they are
- --Steve Eley
Program (Pro'-gram) n. A magic spell cast over a computer, causing it to
turn one's input into error messages.
Masochists are people who have pain confused with pleasure. In a society which
has television confused with entertainment, Doritos confused with food, and
Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are clearly
less mixed up than the rest of us."
- -- P.J. O'Rourke
- ... "Bones! It's Ensign Fellatio!" "She's head, Jim."
- A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject
- -- Winston Churchill
- X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
- -- Brad Littlejohn
- Conversation, n.:
- A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
is called the listener. -- Brad Littlejohn
- Viele wollen zunaechst die Freiheit, sich trauen zu duerfen, um spaeter
anderen verbieten zu wollen, was sie sich doch nicht getraut haben ;-)
- -- Sven Dirks
- Most of the people I know are more critical of their own faults.
Especially when they find them in other people.
- -- Seth
- If you feed a dog, they will look at you and think, "YOU are MY God!"
If you feed a cat, they will look at you and think, "I am a GOD."
- --Devi the little grumpy cat lover
- A cat KNOWS what you want.
It doesn't CARE, but it KNOWS.
- Hier laeuft EHNIX und ist ZUNIX kompatibel
- -- Tobias Schorr
The Wise Cat is patient. He lives for himself, not for the things
that come to him. Therefore, he has all things.
"The Tao of Meow"
- If two men agree on everything, you can be sure one of them is doing the
- -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
- Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
- -- Unknown
One day it was announced by master Joshu that the young
monk Kyogen had reached an enlightened state. Much impressed by this
news, several of his peers went to speak with him.
"We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?"
"It is," Kyogen answered.
"Tell us," said a friend, "how do you feel?"
"As miserable as ever," replied the enlightened Kyogen.
- de-moc-ra-cy (di mok' ra see) n.
- Three wolves and a sheep voting on what's
for dinner -- Bill Gunshannon, firstname.lastname@example.org
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than
a conformist, it's a whole bunch of conformists who have
just decided that the nonconformist's behavior, apparel,
or decoration are worthy of imitation. (apologies to Bill Vaughan)
- The longer a man is wrong, the surer he is that he's right.
- The best way to get information on Usenet is not to ask a question,
but to post the wrong information.
- -- email@example.com (Aahz)
- The government which fears arms in the hands of its people...should.
- To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its
best night and day to make you like everybody else means
to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight
and never stop fighting.
- --e. e. cummings
- Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
- -- G. B. Shaw
- Pascal, n.:
- A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
- Women are like programs, smart men keep a backup.
- -- Dave Hutchison
- Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like
and make up reasons for it afterwards.
- -- Soren F. Petersen
- The Bible is a translation of a translation of a translation. I don't
trust any word in there to be precise.
- -- Stef Jones (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Users, like hard disks, fall into two categories: those that have
massively screwed up, and those that will.
- --Ben Yalow
- You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition
half of 'em are dumber than THAT.
- -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
- Code fast, crash young, and leave a pretty core
- -- Robert Cohen
- A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45
- -- Mike Beebe
- I'd like to buy him for what I think he is worth,
and sell him for what he thinks he is worth.
- -- email@example.com
- LOVE (short definition):
- "Here's my heart, here's a sledgehammer ... go for it."
-- Michael Kellen
- A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many Optimists.
- -- Unknown
- Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under socialism, it's just the opposite.
- --John Kenneth Galbraith
Ah, but they're cute small furry instruments of the devil.
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by
turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing,
spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with
no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine
off and on. The machine worked.
How many code must a man type in
Before you can call him a man?
How many C must a compiler process
Before it can sleep in the RAM?
How many times must MS-DOS crash
Before it is forever banned?
- -- Joerg Anslik
- Humans...God's attempt to pass the Turing test.
- -- Maya
- Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to
- --Mark Twain
- Diplomacy: The art of saying "Nice Doggy" while searching for a rock
- -- Paul Austin
- Automation ist der Versuch des Mannes, die Arbeit so zu gestalten,
dass die Frau sie tun kann.
- Windows isn't crippleware: it's "Functionally Challenged"
- -- Alexander Aulbach
( ^ )
- -- Laura Beth Chamberlain (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- "If you make a fool of yourself in front of a cat, he will sneer at you,
if you are sober; he will leave the room if you are drunk.
If you make a
fool of yourself in front of a dog, he will make a fool of himself, too."
- -- Chuck Jones, Chuck Amuck:The Life And Times Of An Animated Cartoonist
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and
human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- -- Albert Einstein
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy, anything the cat can pry up with a
crow bar is not nailed down, anything that IS nailed down is a scratching
post. And anything edible is food.
- -- Revar
- But when you borrow from everybody, it's "research".
- --Charlie Luce (paraphrasing R. A. Heinlein)
- People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history.
- -- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "(F)rames can add something to a page, primarily annoyance..."
- -- Were-Mutt
- Computers are like airconditioned rooms, so do not open WINDOWS !
- -- Stephen Simmat
- Hiroshima '45 ... Tschernobyl '86 ... Windows '95 ...
- -- Tiggy Tigress
- Make more of the stuff you like happen.
-- Dr. Cat
- Make no laws whatever concerning speech and, speech will be free; so
soon as you make a declaration on paper that speech shall be free, you
will have a hundred lawyers proving that "freedom does not mean abuse,
nor liberty license;" and they will define and define freedom out of
- -- Voltarine de Cleyre (1866-1912)
- If this goes on, soon Political Correctness will kill good sexist humor!
- -- Eric Schwartz (A walk in the Park)
- If you're happy and you know it, clank your chains!
- Snuggling is sex for the soul.
- -- Kim Christensen (email@example.com)
- Context is everything. Breast-feeding is beneficial for nearly all
but for an elderly cardiac patient, it can be fatal...
- -- Samuel Webster, M.D
God gave women buttocks because sooner or later they have to walk away from us,
and at least this way there's some consolation.
-- Joe Quigley
- The human race has few (if any) problems that couldn't be solved by massive wealth. And we're litterally surrounded by it, like a fly in amber. Now if we only had brains...
- -- Ben Bova
- Politically correct euphemisms are for the diffrently-brained.
- -- Tanya Latimer
Buy a PentiumPro 200 so you can reboot faster.
- A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention
in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
- -- Mitch Ratcliffe
- Actually, you don't need to warn someone before tit-bashing them, but you
should know before-hand if they can _handle_ being tit-bashed. It's
pointless to suffocate someone who can't or won't appreciate it. No
matter _what_ Jim Groat says about the health benefits. :3
--ermine (aka Micole The Ermine, Lisa Jennings, Omaha the Cat, the
original titbasher,etc.) home email: <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Real Life? What's that? Oh yeah, the annoying time between computer
- -- Steven Stephens
- Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
- -- Rich Kulawiec
- "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
- -- Donald Knuth
- Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
- -- Johnny Hart
- Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
- -- Bill Gates
- Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
highly-motivated, caustic twits.
- -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
- That's not just one or two, that's scores of them, and they're breeding.
- -- Miavir (reading a.f.furry)
- Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or
wrong, and that 99 percent of them are wrong.
- --H.L. Mencken
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.
- Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
- --H.G. Wells
The weak conform, the strong survive
Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some
people wonder, 'What happened?'
- Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. :-)
- --Larry Wall in <8571@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off
the TV screen.
- Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
- --Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
- Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter
if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common
- Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden
path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road.
- In young scientific fields, if you say all the accepted positions are
wrong, you'll seldom be wrong.
- --J. Ostriker
- When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to reform.
- --Mark Twain
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
- Most of life's problems can be solved by curling up and sleeping in a sunbeam.
- When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin
line between brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on
earth. So what the hell, leap!
- --Cynthia Heimel
Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.
It is not a sign of weakness to ask for guidance; nor is it a crime to
be uninformed, but to choose the path of ignorance is unforgivable.
- The cat could very well be man's best friend, but would never stoop to admitting it.
- --Doug Larson
To an optimist, it's half full.
To a pessimist, it's half empty.
To an engineer, it's twice as big as necessary...
- If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
- --John F. Kennedy
- Our earth is degenerate these latter days. There are signs that the
world is speedily coming to an end. Bribery and corruption are common.
- --Inscription, 4800 year-old tablet (quoted in Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts)
- We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents.
They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self
- --Inscription, 6000 year-old Egyptian tomb (quoted in R.Buckminster
Fuller's I Seem to be a Verb)
- An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
- The point to remember is that what the government gives, it must first
- --John S. Coleman
- When I get a little money, I buy books; and, if any is left, I buy food
- A man is as old as the woman he feels.
- --Groucho Marx
- The Sweetest distance between Two Points... is a Curvy Line!
- --Mae West
- It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
- The sun, the moon, and the stars would have disappeared long ago... had
they happened to be within the reach of human hands.
- --Havelock Ellis
- Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us
wordy evidence of the fact.
- --George Eliot
- There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
- --Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977
- Never just complain. Exchange, listen, inform, work toward
solutions. Choose your battles carefully and realistically
and take action.
- --Grey Watson
- This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation
has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient,
and the world will follow our lead into the future!
- --Adolph Hitler, April 15, 1935
- Miavir: And we still have 'full' gun registration,...
and any crook that really wants a gun can get one.<sigh>
- Outlawing cryptography is like outlawing pencils because bookies use
them to record bets.
- --John Perry Barlow, EFF-Austin Cryptography Conference (October 1993)
- Microsoft - We put the "backwards" into backwards compatibility.
- -- Anonymous sig
- The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots
- --P. Ginsparg
- .. the Twentieth Century, the innovative century that brought you
WW I, WW II, and WWW.
- --Bill Higgins .sig
- Stop tolerating in your leaders what you would not tolerate in your friends.
- --Michael Ventura
- Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
- --Howard Aiken
- The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
- And *especially* the lazy unreasonable man.
- -- Miavir
- Windows95: <win-doz-nin-te-fiv> n.:
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
- -- from Holger Lamm's .sig
- The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
- Originality is the art of concealing your source.
- Traditional human government consists of thieves and murderers. By
adopting the electoral process, we have weeded out the murderers. This is
actually about as good as it gets.
- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
- -- Nikita Khrushchev
- H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
- Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
- Miavir's Extension:
Those who cannot administrate -- criticize.
- Kai's Addendum:
Those who cannot do anything -- become politicians.
-- From Tony Gale <email@example.com> 's .signature:
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the
Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
I'm sorry. This thread is reserved for pointless semantic arguments. Please
take your genuine concerns elsewhere. Thank you.
- --seen on usenet
|Voodoo Programming: ||Things programmers do that they
know shouldn't work but they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work,
such as recompiling everything.|
- -- Karl Lehenbauer
- On the eighth day God created cats and was promptly ignored.
- --From Dane-Dame@rocketmail.com 's .signature.
- Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
- -- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;
One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
- Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to
a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
- Jede Frau erwartet von einem Mann, dass er hält, was sie sich von ihm verspricht.
- From the sig of Erich Schubert (without permission :-)
Nobody but Deon Ramsey is responsible for this
page, it's contents, or views expressed therein.
Deon Ramsey (firstname.lastname@example.org)